Hi again,
We had a work function a few nights ago and I took my Naltrexone one hour before. I only had 2 small bottles of beer at the function as a result! Progress!
I don’t like socialising, and I think that that comes from the one year that I spent in Alanon. In Alanon I learned all about how terrible alcoholism is, and therefore I don’t like being around people when they are drinking. Also I guess until recently I have had cravings when I have drunk alcohol, so I used to feel so guilty when I went out drinking with other people. On the one hand I was disgusted that the other people were getting drunk, and on the other hand I was feeling guilty because I couldn’t stop drinking myself. It all led to my feeling very uncomfortable when I socialised. I therefore have been a closet drinker over the last 30 years, since Alanon.
All in all I didn’t enjoy this work function, due to my feeling uncomfortable around people drinking. Although I am able to control my drinking now, I still am aware that many other people can’t control theirs, and it makes me nervous, as alcoholics often become abusive when they drink. Also controlling my drinking is still new to me, and I still worry that I might end up hugging the bar, when I go out drinking with other people.
My father was an alcoholic and his behaviour was so unpredictable. He’d be very nice to me for a couple of weeks, and then he’d say horrible things out of the blue, when I was least expecting it. I grew to hate him! As a result I am very, very wary around anyone who abuses alcohol.
I work with several alcoholics and it is tough going! I try to detach from them but it is difficult not to offend people, when you are trying to keep your emotional distance from them. One thing that has just come to me today though, and that is, it’s important to not be self righteous when dealing with alcoholics. 12 step people (which Alanon and Alcoholics Anonymous people are) tend to be self righteous. They think that they can do no wrong. When you disagree with them they just say that you are in denial. I don’t like such behaviour, and I don’t want to be like that! I realise that I have been like that, with my dealings with alcoholics, in the past. I have tended to think that alcoholics are just crazy, and that I am better than they are (I know it sounds a bit silly when I have been an alcoholic myself but I assure you that there are people in Alanon who are drinking alcoholics, and they are doing the same hypocritical thing that I have been doing for the past 30 years). It is difficult dealing with alcoholics though, and I’m only human, so I don’t quite know how work is going to end up for me. I don’t want to have conflicts at work but I have to deal with these alcoholics. So far, I have been able to get by, for the last 10 years at work, relatively unscathed but the future is unpredictable, and how long I can remain detached but working alongside these alcoholics, is anyone’s guess. Everyone has problems and has to deal with alcoholics in life, it’s not just me.
One thing that’s on my side is The Sinclair Method. Now that I can control my drinking, I am much stronger, emotionally, so I can handle abuse better than I used to be able to, when I was drinking heavily. I don’t feel so fragile anymore, so when an alcoholic abuses me I can ignore it more effectively now. But I still aren’t perfect, and never will be, and alcoholics can say some very, very hurtful things, which hurt even the strongest of us. So life is a tightrope sometimes, where if you go too far one way you fall, & if you go too far the other way you fall, so you just hold your breath and hope for the best. Sometimes things work out for people, and at other times they don’t, such is the risk of life.
So far I have been able to cope at work but tomorrow is another day. It’s not a tightrope every day but on some days it definitely is.
Thanks for reading.